...no, no Kisses

...waiting for things to pan out

2009-08-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in limbo and it sucks. My marks still haven't come in. Last week I was primarily anxious. This week I'm left to the whims of a very concentrated, sporadic set of emotions. There're times when I realize I'm done school and feel like I can take on the world. At others, I feel absolute despair and impending doom. Sometimes I'm completely rational, at others I feel a sort of rage or wrath towards anything in my vicinity. And still others I feel absolutely nothing at all.

I want to be productive these days, but I can't be. I'm trying to quit smoking - Mon. 0; Tues. 3; Wed. 4 already - but have effectively failed at this point. I'm going on vacation next week, but can't seem to plan anything. I want to start writing my book and work on OAC, but haven't done fuck all as of yet. I become a drone in front of the TV, lost in my thoughts until my roommates start being entertaining.

Two weeks ago I would've said that I don't care what my results are, I just want them to come. However, I realize now I've never wanted a specific result more in my life. I want this to be over - I want to move on with my life.

This sucks.

...almost maybe

2009-08-18T22:57:00.000-07:00

I might be done school and I'm sick to my stomach waiting for the results. I had my first final on the ninth and my final final on the fifteenth. They went well enough, and logically I'm sure I passed, but my past failures and the severity of the consequences have been driving me up the wall.

You might think being done my finals would have left me in a state of equilibrium, but actually I'm going absolutely insane. Despite the fact that I'm 99% sure that I passed both classes, I'm only 50% sure I'll be able to graduate.

Why am I only 50% sure I can graduate if I'm 99% sure I passed my courses and 99% sure I have all the credits I need for graduation? Because unfortunately, I've been kicked out of school. Yes, I've managed to come as close as humanly possible to being kicked out of school without actually being kicked out. Well, I don't know that for certain. And thus, my insanity.

Once I've the results from my finals, I'll be able to go into Academic Advising and plead that they let me graduate despite my current lack of enrollment in their school.

Tonight though, slitting my wrists is looking more like an oppurtunity and less like a pain.

...budgeting

2009-08-06T23:16:00.000-07:00

I. As of late I've started budgeting my time, cigarettes and money. Well, budgeting isn't exactly correct - I'm simply keeping track. (And even that's a lie, I only decided to start keeping track of my cigarettes today).

A couple years ago I found myself consistently running short of cash. In response I began an arbitrary budgeting my money. I gave myself twenty dollars a day and told myself not to go over (unless I'd accumulated some from previous days). Although the budget itself was little more than a joke, I did discover something somewhat interesting: simply keeping track of my money made me spend less.

Whenever I tell someone about this, they immediately think that keeping track lowers spending by forcing me to rethink all my purchases. However, this isn't true. There isn't once that I remember abstaining from a purchase because of my budget. To be honest, I'm not sure how it works, but it's definitely not by following the budget or abstaining from purchases.

So far, I'm not doing so hot. As I said in an earlier post, last week I went on two spending sprees for a much needed wardrobe update. I managed to rack up about 400 dollars. I'm pleased with my purchases, but it was disappointing to be not only failing my budget, but massively failing and only on my second day.

II. Would you work 18 extra hours a week for a mere 60 dollars? Well, that's what I've been doing for the past 5 months. Let me explain:

Five months ago I started teaching Friday afternoon classes (which are optional and unpopular). Only now do I fully understand why.

Prior to teaching Friday afternoons, I felt like my week was over by the end of Tuesday. That means that after a mere 12 hours of work a week, I had my mind happily engaging the weekend (perhaps not in reality, but definitely in spirit). This euphoria eventuall culminated into my decision to take on an extra three hours a week.

Because both teaching and attending is optional, you must watch most of your students and coworkers vacate the premises. Even my most fun, interesting and enthusiastic class failed to get past the fact that all their friends were outside enjoying the sun. And who could blame them? My coworkers were, without fail, enjoying beers on a patio somewhere.

As time went on I began noticing my feeling of finality getting pushed further and further back in the week. The initial push was just a day - nothing too severe. A month in and I noticed it slipping through Thursday as well. In the last couple months it finally found its way to the end of Friday - blind optimism and bliss for my weekends were substituted by apathy and disgruntlement.

Although I'm talking to you as a beaten down shell of the man I once was, I'm happy to announce that I've tomorrow afternoon off. Yes, that's right - my Friday afternoon class is no more. It's time to enjoy the rest of August like I've thus far been unable to.

It's quite ridiculous actually - a mere 3 hours of doing what I do and it feels like 18. The mind is a powerful thing - don't piss it off.

III. Apathism: refusing to participate in a general election because either (i) you realize your vote doesn't make a difference and/or (ii) none of the candidates appeal to you.

I think I'll write a book.

...new glasses

2009-08-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

So I finally got new glasses. They're brilliant! Well, at least I like them. They're simple, but flashy; they've conservative colors, but a fashion-forward frame. They could sit a little better, but it's a moot point. And they would look better with anti-glare lenses, but whatevs.

The first day I wore them was Friday. It was test day at school. After the test, a colleague I'll call Am walks in front of me on the way to the teacher's room. We shared a dialogue which I'll soon share with you. But first, it's important to paint a picture of his character.

I was introduced to Am when I subbed for his class in the first month. For the first two days, I followed his lesson plan to the letter. On the third, I announced that we'd be continuing on superstitions. After expressing their shock and horror, the class decided to open a twenty minute forum about why Am's a loser. Even the quiet Japanese student, who hadn't said more than two words in our cumulative six hours together, would chirp in here and there. It's been a year since then, and he continually seems to outdo himself.

Am has a lisp desipite being a pronunciation teacher; he has an obsession with cats despite not having one; his hobby is photography despite his inability to keep his camera in focus; he often gloats about living on a sailboat despite the fact he's never taken a trip with it; I could go on, but I'm sure I've rendered a sufficient and surprisingly accurate description of his character. Needless to say, he's single and quite socially awkward. Anyways, here's a little transcript of the dialogue we shared on Friday.

Mh - Hey dude, how'd your students do on the test?

Am - Oh they did well. *looks at me*

Mh - Yeah, mine did surprisingly well this month, I thought they'd--

Am - I'm trying to think about whether those glasses look good on you.

Mh - Uhm, okay.

Am - You know, I don't think they do.

(awkward pause)

Am - Those glasses, they're just odd.

Mh - Uhm, okay.

Am - But then again, you're an odd guy.

At this, a big smile creeped across my face as I thought: Did that really just happen?

...blood stains

2009-07-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

It's probably been over a year and a half since I've been clothes shopping on one of the 364 days of the year that aren't boxing day. Well, today I went shopping. It turns out I missed the huge summer sale by about 2 months. But fuck it, I found some shit I like. And some shit I was looking for. And some shit in both categories. My best deal was at Rw & Co. - 22.35$ for a pair of pretty stylin' gray pants. I'm happy.

Upon getting the clothes home, I decided to cut the tags off with a knife as to not ruin them. I took the first item out of the bag. It was a white hoodie I got at le chateau for 44.79$. I cut it off and walked the tag to the garbage. Unfortunately I was carrying the hoodie with me. I'm sure you've guessed it by now - yes, I bled on my brand new white hoodie. I then felt pretty stupid. I still feel quite stupid. C'est la vie.

...the 25 projects

2009-07-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

There just isn't enought time in the day. Yes, I'm having trouble finding my productivity rhythm. This is problematic. I'm having trouble with a few tasks just after mentioning a great number of projects.

I googled how to write a novel this evening. This site came up. I thought it would be inspirational because its main premise is that it's possible to write a novel in 100 days. On the third page it discusses four hours every day save one eight hour day each weekend.

Four hours? I mean, I could, but I'd probably have to put absolutely everything else on hold. And that doesn't even touch on my poor at best work ethic (that's not true, last month I showed the true potential of my work ethic - it's actually mediocre at best).

It wasn't disheartening, as I know a good novel will take a lot of time and effort to create - in fact, I'm quite sure bad novels take a lot of time and effort to write - but it did make me take a step back and look at all the projects I'm hoping to start/continue over the next little bit. Reading, writing, working, working (a second job), playing and creating music, socializing, cooking, and that's just what I can name off the top of my head. It's fucked - completely and utterly fucked.

And it doesn't help that two of my highest priority projects (albeit, arbitrarily) are completely self-starter - i.e. OAC and the novel.

I'm not sure how to be focussing my energy. I suppose I need to stay away from the TV and off the bottle, but that's far from sufficient. If I had to choose, I'd mark my current frame of mind as what will come will come. As for this blog (and life in general), I'm going to refrain from discussing my thoughts on projects when I've nothing to add.

On a related note, I went to the gym yesterday. It may very well have been my first ever real non-cardio based workout. I'm going to try and keep a record of my progress, but it'll have to start another time as I want to include my weight and I've no access to a scale at the moment.

And on an unrelated note, the death clock says I've just shy of 50 years to live. I think I'll be 72 - that's fucking awesome - if only I was superstitious. Or stupid. Or both.

[note: this post has an easter egg - 'Die, Microsoft, Die.']

...before twenty-five

2009-07-19T18:10:00.001-07:00

Birthdays are arbitrary. Sure, they're a good excuse to have a drink with friends and catch up with old acquaintances, but I've never really been the type to get super-stoked. Either way, they do make a fantastic time marker to set focus for the following 12 months. What do I want to see happen over the next year?

I. Graduate. I've been fairly negative towards my graduation for the last couple years. Probably because it has been fairly negative towards me. Or perhaps because I've been fairly negative towards my studies. Whatever the case, the thought of finally graduating and letting it free from the back of my mind gives me a good feeling. I could have a lot of regrets, but I don't. Shit happened. I fucked up. I learned a few lessons about life - humility and failure being the principal two. And it wasn't forever, so fuck it.

II. Launch OAC. This is the year OAC gets launched. I believe it's been just over a year that the original idea was conceived. Luckily, the past month has taught me a work ethic I'd previously failed to attain. It may have started as a pipe dream - in fact, it may still very well be a pipe dream - but it feels attainable. I've also got a sexy new laptop to work on, so that helps.

III. Write a book. Usually when I get on a writing kick, I start with a grandiose sense of potential from looking at unbelievable success stories, goals way too hefty for mere mortals, and absolutely no ideas to kickstart the process. This time it's different. I've a solid idea and no goals to speak of whatsoever. Honestly, all I want to do is see if I can complete it. I'll try and work on it here and there. Although I don't want to speak too much on this in case of it being a collosal failure, here are the two principal sources that led to the my inspiration: 1, 2. It'll be exciting to see if I make it past page one.

IV. Attend another meditation retreat. Coming back from last november's retreat, I felt good. I cannot elaborate on why or how simply because I don't know. It was probably one of the most valuable experiences of my life - and definitely one of the hardest. Upon my return, I didn't keep up with my practice. It's difficult to begin with, and my living situation - which can be summed up in '2 roommates and lots of alcohol' - didn't help. When I feel I'm ready, I'd like to attend another. I'd like to sincerely practice, and I think it'll jumpstart the process. And this time, I'll know what I'm getting myself into. I'd also like to make light meditation a daily habit - but so far it's been difficult. I'm sure I'll work at it here and there.

V. Learn Spanish. Once school's complete, I'm going to begin studying Spanish at MIT - well, at least MIT's OpenCourseWare. I have to find Destinos: An Introduction to Spanish online. I've found a torrent, but it had no seeders. I'm sure everything will fall into place.

VI. Other. There're a plethora of other things I'm interested in, and here are just a few: quit smoking, join a soccer team, take up a fighting sport, learn web-design, improve my cooking, travel, figure out what I may want to do with my life, continue playing tennis, read more, take up yoga, eat healthier, get some turntables, etc. As you can see, there are a lot of ideas and its very likely another year will go by without even touching on a lot of these. But what exactly I accomplish isn't as important as that I continue accomplishing. I don't want to become a self-help junkie whose sole purpose is to life-hack, but I would like to improve my productivity levels. I'm excited about the prospect of focussing some time and energy into something productive without feeling guilty (if those last few words seem out of place, trust me, they're not).

And what will my first productive act of being 24 be? Clearning the apartment. Such fucking excitement I can barely breathe.

...best birthday ever

2009-07-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

I. Just moments after turning 24, I found myself in near elation. Before describing the cause, let me explain the surrounding issues. By conservative accounts, I've had something hanging over my head for about 2 years now. It started happily in the September of 2004. After two years it changed residence and focus. After two more, it lost focus altogether. Most recently, it threatened me. And the question was raised: will I have a happy ending or a sad one?

Alright, alright. The epiphany: I'm going to graduate. For the last couple weeks I thought I'd completely fucked myself. However, a few calculations have demonstrated that I almost can't fail! I'm going to fucking graduate. It's been a long time coming and it's finally here. Well, that's an exageration on both accounts. I still could fail - if I don't stay on my shit - and it isn't quite here - in fact, my last exam is just under a month away. But at the very least, my graduation is looking very good at the moment. The best it's looked in about two years now.

II. On a similar note, I met a TM the other day. I'm not sure what school, but I know she's doing her Master's in English. We were drinking with a mutual friend, so conversation was nice and light. I decided to raise the question of late marks. She said that there were no late marks and that late assignments resulted in a zero. I questioned her position. She couldn't get past the fact that they were late. I posited that a better paper deserves a better mark than a worse paper no matter the circumstances, and even reasoned for her on practical terms. She still couldn't get past the fact that they were late and that late papers result in a zero. We bantered for a while - that is, I tried to develop her position for her because she was incapable of doing so herself - before we agreed to disagree - that is, I walked away thinking she's an ignorant cow missing half her brain and incapable of using the other half.

I walked away from that discussion with two conclusions. First, she's an ignorant cow that doesn't deserve her master's. Second, regardless of absolutely everything, that ignorant cow holds all the power in her situation. We need to save education. MIT took the first step. Maybe we'll take the second soon.

III. Happy birthday to me. I've been 24 for one hour and fifty-nine minutes as of thirty seconds ago. What do I want from the following year? Well, I may write a ...goals for 25 post sometime in the coming days, but for now I'll give you some stream-of-conciousness.

graduate
quit smoking and start exercising
begin cooking again and eat healthier
greatly improve my guitar abilities and repetoire
get OAC off the ground
reduce my fears of people and the unknown
go on some adventures and
write a book

That's all for now.

Good night and good riddance.

...my old roommate

2009-07-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

I. I deleted all my old posts again. I felt it was necessary. My idea of blogging, other than it being the lowest form of writing, is that it's a living, breathing entity. I hadn't posted in such a long time, and what's more my most recent posts were such shit, that I simply couldn't have continued on as if nothing had happened (or should I say, 'as if nothing hadn't happened'). It was time for either a do-over or a change, and a change takes more effort.

(And for those that caught it - no, I'm not being hipocritical. Blogging is the lowest form of writing. It's, at its best, poor jounalism and, at its worst, this. Or this. Or this. But, just as those three authors enjoy it, so do I. Well, I may be exaggerating ever so slightly (technical writing is worse).

II. So is anything new since I last logged in? No. That's why I wasn't writing. However, something old is new again. I'm living with my old roommate. She's back in town and crashing on our couch. I moved away from her because she had a very weird habit of unintentionally being in my way. ALL THE TIME!!! (ps. punctuative expression - very low form of writing). Okay, that's not the entire reason, but it was something that pissed me off to no end.

Anyways, today she was showering when I wanted to shower and she snuck a load of laundry in between mine. It took surprisingly little for me to be reminded of the rage I once held towards her.

III. A couple days ago I was outside work having a cigarette. A guy in some kitchen fatigues walked by. Because he was walking so fast, he was only within earshot long enough for me to hear "...I know it's a lifestyle choice, but...". Drugs, politics, orientation, sex, and these are just a few of the more controversial topics he could've been talking about.